I am learning more and more about my fraught relationship with truth.

What even is truth? Isn’t it something that is unique and personal to each individual? Something that is dependent upon what a person believes to be real and true? Isn’t it something we can construct to make meaning for ourselves? To make sense of our current reality?

No, the truth is far simpler than that.

Underpinning the very workings of the entire universe lies the principle of Truth, and without this truth, love is not possible. Whoa.

I’ve heard it described as Truth and Love being like the foundations upon which the universe was built. What does this mean? Well I think it means that there is in fact an ultimate Truth that exists, in relation to every matter conceivable. Another way of referring to this Truth is to see it as God’s Truth, as God created the universe and all the potentialities therein.

I know the concept of Ultimate Truth can sound religious,  but in fact I’ve heard that God’s Truth is infinite, there’s no way it can be contained in one book in the way it might be construed by religions. In fact it is always logical, always scientifically provable, always mathematical in nature, and always based on reality (see video link at the end).

“Love cannot exist without Truth, and Truth cannot exist without Love.

Truth forms the framework in which Love can exist”

-AJ Miller/Jesus

So, this means that every question has an ultimate answer, irrespective of your personal view. Within every argument lies the whole truth of the matter, regardless of opinion. Regardless if anyone wants to know that truth or not, it remains there, awaiting discovery by anyone who seeks it.

It is the truth that scientists are trying to discover by questioning and then measuring physical phenomena, even those we cannot see such as gravity. But what about questions such as what is love? What is ethical and moral in this situation? What happens when we die? If there is only one truth in relation to the law of gravity (i.e. that there are definite and provable circumstances under which gravity exists and its resulting effects upon matter), and this becomes steadfast enough for us to base our very existence upon, why would it be different for the truth about ‘what would love do in any given situation?’ ‘What is ethical?’ ‘What are the harmful effects of a particular hurtful action on another person?’ ‘What happens when we go to sleep?’ Why would some matters have scientifically provable answers while others are left up to the individual to formulate their own ‘truth’ about? This would seem inconsistent and makes the universe feel less safe somehow.

I love the idea of this. I love the stability this knowledge of an existence based in ultimate truth provides. It means we are able to exist in a universe which provides consistency. It means we can get out of bed every morning trusting that gravity will keep our feet on the earth, trusting that the sun will rise to warm our bones and grow our food. For these are facts, and fact = truth.

But things get a little shiftier when we start to enter the more personal domain of truth. But why would it be any different in this realm? The physical world around us, including the human physical body, is scientifically measurable, and becoming more and more so as tools are advancing; and the more we know, the more safety and security we are provided with and the more potentials that exist. Why would it be any different in the realm of the human psyche and emotional experience, as these also exist within this measurable universe?

I can theoretically see that there does seem to exist a framework in which I am a part, for measuring the truth about myself, beyond the physical body. I have noticed in myself that I have a conscience** which seems to help me to measure right from wrong, for example. And if there is such a thing as right and wrong, then where did that even come from? If there was no truth, no ultimate yard stick from which to measure the nature of our reality then right and wrong would not exist. And we know it does, we seem to be hardwired to know that…regardless of how detuned we may become to it over our lives, or how we tell ourselves otherwise.

And yet…

I still feel extremely confronted by learning certain truths about myself, and allowing others to see these things too.

And this is where my relationship with Truth is at; I have a fascination about it, an appreciation of honesty, an attraction towards people who are real and raw and transparent … and yet a resistance towards really loving it on a personal level. Being real and raw and transparent in my daily life and relationships in all areas and in real time. I still often value the façade more.

I’ve heard that the reasons why people might face this issue can be varied. For me I’m beginning to see with some help from people I trust that I have a strong faith that embracing the truth about myself and being transparent with others will lead to some kind of decimation of my entire life; that my life will be badly harmed by this. I have spent my life quite desperately seeking approval in various ways, through engaging in a bartering system for “love”. But I have not wanted to really know these things about myself, as I have believed them to be like my only lifelines to having any “good feelings” coming my way. I am so invested in my current ways of getting approved of and this being love, that any time this is pointed out to me I retract, get angry and defensive, and often outright reject the truth being presented. I feel attacked. I don’t want the truth.

“When I resist seeing the truth about myself,

real and lasting change remains an impossibility”

– Mary Luck/Magdalene

Why? Why do I have such corrupted faith which screams at me that truth is hopeless, when I see examples around me to the contrary that inspire me? There is something deeper going on, something that keeps me locked into this long-standing pattern.

I currently have total faith in this: that if I am myself, I will never be loved.

Being myself involves being all of myself, accepting and sharing all of me, warts and all. Yet I have had my heart firmly set that to do this, would mean an annihilation of any love in my life. For who would love me, if they really knew…?

All of these beliefs were set up in my childhood:

• I developed strategies of “getting loved” (earning approval) which involved a compromise of being my real self, in favour of what was being expected of me,
• this then created a deep hopelessness that if I don’t do these things, I will never get the love I need to survive.

So, the façade (a series of lies presented to the world and to myself, about myself) began to be constructed.

“My façade entails anything I think, do or feel

that keeps me away from awareness of, sensitivity to, and feeling of my real feelings.”

-Mary Luck/Magdelene

And now here I am as an adult, perpetuating this system. Still trying to get the love the only way I believe works. Trying to protect myself from having to feel the original pain driving all these actions, the pain around not being loveable for who I truthfully am.

Logically I can see with my head when its laid out like this, and with the help of people who are willing to be truthful with me in my life, that avoiding pain = creates more pain. I just don’t have faith in the alternative yet.

I want to grow my desire to challenge this, and perhaps experiment with a different hypothesis. Perhaps a hypothesis based on this:

“Every time I accept one of God’s Truths, I will always feel less pain.

After a while you can come to trust that.”

-AJ Miller/Jesus

That sounds so good and right, and I know that when I have been truthful in the past, it feels relieving and like fear dissolves. I need to grow my faith in this process.

I’ve heard that everything each of our human souls think, says, feels, does, believes, intends to do, desires, aspires to etc. is energetically and mathematically measurable. And I’ve heard that the reason it is measurable is because there exists this underlying foundation of truth and love as primary principles of all existence (see links at the end for a proper explanation and not my clumsy one). Nothing is lost in this universe. So, if this is the case, I imagine it would feel relieving to stop fighting the entire workings of life (sheesh how exhausting) and begin to embrace God’s Truths about myself and my relationships completely, not just little bits here and there which are seemingly easier to digest.

*Note. There is a difference between God’s Truth and my, Phoebe’s truth. Phoebe’s truth might currently go something like this:

“It’s not really that bad that I withhold myself and don’t always share the truth. Sometimes it’s reasonable to do this. It’s justifiable to recoil when people point out my façade. Feeling my childhood pain seems like an almighty great uncomfortable task, with no assured outcome. Its reasonable that I hold onto it and continue to try and do things the way the world tells me I should.”

But when I feel about it, and ask for it, God’s Truth – the ACTUAL truth –  is something entirely different. I think it’s possible that it goes something like this:

“It is always the loving thing to do to live from a place of sharing myself transparently. Whenever I don’t, I am choosing to honour fear, and fear causes harm to myself and my environment. If someone helps me to see my façade, they have given me a gift. Unless I actually choose to embrace the truth and feel the pain that is already inside me, I will continue to create more pain, and more pain.” (Obviously I don’t have this truth written on my heart yet, so to speak, so I’m hypothesizing about what the truth is at this point.)

While we only seek our own truths on matters, we are literally the blind leading the blind, stumbling in the dark. I’ve heard that growing closer and closer to feeling the same way God feels about all topics (i.e. seeking for the ultimate truth) will be a very joyful and fearless place to be. But this involves being willing to release all my false truths which cause me pain.

How cool are these words from a spirit friend, Sonya, who is passionate about living in truth:

“Truth is such a wonderful thing…

A wonderful thing!

When one engages with even the scary truths – things they’ve felt are scary –

There comes a liberty that many have never experienced.”

-Sonya

I am feeling so grateful for some advice and feedback received from trustworthy friends Jesus, Mary, Eloisa and Tristan at the recent God’s Way volunteer selection project, despite at times reacting and responding in a prickly and non-humble way. This has helped me to see exactly the beliefs I have which are holding me back from doing what I want to do and being who I can only imagine I might be. (I have an inkling I might be an extroverted, outrageously quirky, truth-crusader…but here’s to finding out 😉 )

More coming soon about my experiments with truth…

 

“Truth is such an essential part of who we are and how we grow.

It has expanding gifts as it ripples out from any one person

Who speaks it, or knows it, or gives it.”

-Sonya

Love and Truth Principles – Divine Truth video

What is Divine Truth?

** Forgiveness and Repentance – The human conscience